Humanity is Hard
by Paqu 'n' Badu
Summary: Javik is having a hard time understand human customs and traditions. Luckily, Shepard is there to help.
1. Peas and Tanks

_**'**Pleez and tanks'_

Ever since the Commander and her team had found me on Eden Prime, she has been constantly trying to improve me.

Despite being a 50,000 year old, super intelligent alien capable of extracting information via touch, the commander still thought I seemed to be unaware of social cues around the universe, even more so towards human traditions.

She had only realized my ignorance in the middle of a conversation with her.

'Javik, can you please stop telling me to throw Legion out the airlock?'

After a moment of silent contemplation, I regarded her with a strange expression.

'What is this pleez you speak of?'  
'Wait, the term please?'  
'Yes. These peas you talk of. Can I kill them?'  
'Wait, what?'  
'... Can I kill this pleez?'  
'Its common courtesy Javik. You're actually using common courtesy?'  
'No. I meant, can I kill it?'  
'You can't kill a figure of speech.'  
'That is what you think, human.'

The commander slapped her palm against her forehead, an exasperated noise escaping her lips as she laughed at me, and I shot her a glare.

'Lets try something, Javik.'  
'I do not like trying new things.'  
'Ask me to please throw Legion out the airlock.'  
'No.'  
'Javik, we have to get you accustomed to humans and their traditions''  
'No.'  
'Maybe if you say please I'll listen to you.'

I sighed, crossing my arms over my chest and lifting my nose into the air, scoffing at the females attempts to educate me.

_The silly female thinks she can teach me things, when in all reality my intelligence is greater than all of her asari combined. I imagine entertaining her for her own purposes would be a nice treat, seeing a human trying to teach a Prothean._

'Fine. Commander Shepard, will you pleez throw Legion out the airlock?'

The commander smiled at me, leaving me to wonder why she found this so amusing.

'Good job Javik! You're learning!'

_Human, I know more than you will ever know, stop treating me like a damned Krogan._

'I still believe you should throw the geth out the airlock.' Even though your technology has advanced from my time, it seems your brains have not.

'Throwing him out the airlock will do no good. We need to work together with as many species as possible if we want to win this, Javik. You should know, you've fought the Reapers once already.'  
'Human, you think I am unaware of my past? Keep your synthetic. Just don't expect me to trust him.'  
'Thanks, Javik, for finally understanding'

I was contemplating on the word, thanks, and she realized I did not fully understand the necessity for that expression, as I had never used it myself.

'Tanks?'  
'It's a term we use to express gratitude towards someone we respect.'  
'You use military terminology to express gratitude?'  
'No Javik, t-h-anks, not tanks.'

_Humans are so respectful towards one another. It gets nothing done. Protheans were able to succeed using wits and brute strength, not frivolous words._

'I liked you better as primitives.'


	2. The Space Hamster

_'The Space Hamster'_

I had taken the liberty of exploring the ship, my fingers trailing along the various surfaces and materials, taking in small pieces of the past, information. The engineering deck held interest to me, the remains of great anger tangent near the bottom half of the deck, the area doused in a red light. Clasping my hands behind my back and standing silently, my breath steadied and I turned to walk away. This place was too angry. As my feet hit the steps, a squeak sounded out.

Looking down, I noticed the small mammal between my feet, its eyes black, beady. Picking it up by the tail, the rodent squirmed in my grip, twisting desperately in all directions.

_What is your purpose on this ship?_

After a moment's contemplation, I realized it did nothing but steal provisions. Surreptitiously I reached for the pistol I always kept handy, pressing it slowly against the mammals coat, a smile twisting my lips up. Footsteps sounded to my right, steady at first, then a quick pounding, a yell of distress.

'JAVIK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'  
'Killing the young vorcha.'

I twisted quickly, acting innocent despite being caught red-handed, and her look of disgust turned into one of happiness.

'Is that Davis!'

She walked towards me with quick steps, snatching the rodent out of my hand and giving the gun in my hand an odd look, piecing together a rather simple puzzle.

'Were you trying to kill Davis? JAVIK.' She scolded.  
'What? In my day, we killed pests such as those.'

She gasped, cupping the infernal creature in her hands and twisting away from me, her expression disgusted.

'He's just an innocent little furball!'  
'He's a menace to this society!'

I pointed the gun at her cupped hands now, and her eyes widened.

'You're willing to shoot me in order to kill a hamster?'  
'Hamster? It is vermin!'  
'He's a pet, Javik. Many humans have them.'  
'Our "pets" were primitive Elcor. That is not a pet.'  
'You had a pet?'  
'His name was Elteeni. Elcor were used as slave drivers.'

She gave me an estranged look and motioned for me to follow her. I didn't see any harm, so clipping the pistol back onto my belt, I followed her, keeping an eye on the demonic rodent. She led me to the elevator, and up to her personal cabin. She placed him a glass box, previously empty, and let out a contented sigh.

'I missed Davis.'  
'When my Elcor escaped, I roasted him with a laser. Did you know that human?'  
'Davis is different. He just squeaks and makes me smile.'  
'I shall just have to kill him while you are inattentive.'


	3. Physical Assault

_'Physical Assault'_

I was meandering about, washing my hands aimlessly.

_I believe I am what humans call bored._

I was used to action, to blowing up reapers at every turn, a gun ever present in my hands, not** this**. This aimless waiting, the slight tension coiling, waiting to strike at the crew the moment an opportunity presented itself. A knock sounded at the door.

Not bothering to wait, the Commander slid effortlessly in, smiling slightly at me. I attempted to curve my lips in response, but found it to be too much effort, and settled for my usual glare.

'Commander.'  
'Javik, I wanted to ask you something.'  
'I am listening.'  
'Have you ever engaged in contact with a human?'  
'What do you mean.'  
'Like, shaking hands?'  
'Why would I want that, human.'  
'Its what you do when you're greeting someone, to be nice.'  
'We had no need for greetings in my time.'

The commander sighed and looked at me.

'You really had no need for anything, did you?'  
'Not at all. Battles and conversations were usually settled by fighting, or punishment. We were an efficient species.'  
'Efficient?'  
'We killed all those born with defects. They were just extra mouths to feed. Gambling and alcohol were strictly prohibited. To see you humans run about, so constrained by your standards, yet wildly out of control in mine is both terrifying and illuminating.'  
'That is one of the longest explanations you have given me Javik.'  
'Don't get used to them.' I grunted out in return, and she shook her head, a laugh escaping her lips.  
'There was no danger of that happening, Javik.'  
'Good. You learn quickly, human.' _Something the human actually understood properly. For once._  
'By the way, Javik, I would like you to accompany me on my next mission.'  
'Possibly. Do I get to kill things?'  
'Yes.'  
'Good. I will consider it.'

The commander stuck out her hand, and I immediately realized she was trying to "shake my hand". She tried grasping my hands, and with a strange motion I shook them to a side, my wrists flapping uncomfortably in all directions, and she shot me the strangest expression I had ever seen cross a human face. My hands made smacking noises against my skin.

'Javik, what are you doing?'  
'Shaking hands, Commander.'

A snort burst from her lips and she doubled over, laughing at me like I was a joke.

'What's so funny?'  
'Javik, you don't actually shake your hands.' She managed to choke out through her laughs.  
'Then why is the expression called shaking hands?'  
'Watch.'

Holding out her hand, she held it towards me sideways, and took mine by the wrist, placing it in hers and wrapping her 5 digits around my hand, rocking our hands upwards then dropping them back down. This went on for a couple seconds, until she let go and put her hand back to her side. She then nodded approvingly at me, and I flexed my fingers, looking at them attentively before returning my attention to her.

'Did I properly shake hands, Commander?'  
'Yes, Javik. Although I must say your previous method was endearing. It made you seem almost human.'  
'Human? What blasphemy is this?'  
'Blasphemy?'  
'I am more advanced then you, primitive. I am not **human.**'

I scoffed once more, turning away from her to wash my hands in the ever-present sink, and she strolled up beside me, watching intently as I rubbed furiously, making sure all dead skin cells were lost in the torrent of water. She cocked an eyebrow.

'Why do you wash your hands so often?'  
'I believe I could also ask you why you shower, could I not?'


	4. A Failed Assassination

_'A failed assassination'_

Despite my earlier indignation regarding the furry rodent, I soon visited the squeaky thing for a daily dose of minor entertainment. I took the elevator to the commander's cabin, and turned the corner to see the rodent. Without bothering to knock, I passed my omni-tool over the door's lock, only to hear EDI's voice denying me entry.

'The commander has requested that this door stays closed.'

'EDI, I don't care. Open the door, or I will manually.' I cracked my knuckles, preparing to either hack the door or punch through it as I saw fit. I could hear the rodent squeaking steadily through the doors, louder than usual.

'Javik, I cannot-'  
'EDI, open the door.'  
'...Very well, Javik.'

I watched the door open, and walked in to see the hamster. Immediately, the hamster stopped squeaking.

'Why did you stop? I will not wait to shoot you this time, Davis.'  
'JAVIK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? GET OUT.'

Turning my head, I witness the horrid site of the green and red assassin impaling the commander, with his... appendage. The commander seemed flushed, her eyes dewy, and she quickly grabbed a nearby pillow, throwing it towards me and targeting my face, the missile hitting its mark with a loud _thwack!_

'JAVIK, I SAID, **GET OUT**!'  
'I _know_ what you said, I'm just not listening.'

The drell had grabbed the nearby blanket and thrown it over their still conjoined forms, covering any obscenities and earning a rumbling laugh on my behalf.

'Do I smell Keplar's? It seems like you're in remission.'

'Get out, Javik.'

'What? Ashamed of your failed attempt, Drell? You're primitive in more ways than one, it seems.'

The drell lithely removed himself from in the bed, quickly taking a pair of pants off the floor and pulling them on in one smooth motion, a growl ripping out of his throat as he turned suddenly, pouncing on me and knocking me to the ground. He was quick, I would give him that, giving me barely a second to react as he attempted to strangle me, ripping a laugh from my throat.

_Primitive._

'You can at least put a shirt on, Drell. Your assassination attempt has failed.'

Turning the tides, I shifted my weight, rolling myself onto him and then releasing him, too proud to cause him any , wrapped in the blanket, came quickly and picked him off the ground, the assassin's wounded pride quickly repaired by a light kiss from the commander, earning a grimace on my behalf.

'Commander, may I ask why he was inside of you?'  
'What?'  
'Was he attempting to assassinate you?'  
'Javik, what are you ta-'  
'Commander, the assassin was trying to kill you.'  
'Javik, he wasn't trying to kill me.'  
'Then what were you doing?'  
'Um, whatever your species did to, uh, reproduce...?'  
'Explain this.'  
'Look, Javik. Maybe you should talk to someone a bit more knowledgeable on Prothean reproduction, like, uh, Liara!''

The commander began pushing me out the door, and I dug my heels into the ground, turning quickly back into the room to procure Davis, hugging the cage protectively to my chest as the small, indignant rodent squeaked at me.

'I didn't come for you anyways, I came to satisfy my craving of Davis.'  
'You're not planning to eat him, are you?'  
'No, silly human, calm yourself. You can allow your feeble drell to attempt to mate with you now.'

I turned, starting to walk out the door, waving a hand dismissively. It shut behind me, and I waited. The squeaking resumed, which I promptly ignored, ambling down to my quarters to play with Davis.

'Hopefully, you will not attempt to mate with me as the Drell is attempting with the Commander, Davis.'

I walked over to the intercom and pressed the button.  
'EDI, get me Liara.'  
'Yes, Javik.'

I waited a couple minutes until she responded.

'Javik. You wanted me?'  
'I just wanted to ask you how Protheans engaged in reproduction.'  
'What is compelling you to ask this now?'  
'Go up the commander's private quarters. That should be enough explanation.'

Liara audibly choked on something, coughing a few times, then took a gasp of air, a giggle breaking through.

'Who? Thane or Garrus? I've had a bet on Thane for a while now but Vega insists that she has a fetish for scars.'

_The blue one seems almost too excited about this._

Clearing my throat, she brought her attention back to me, then began a long winded explanation explaining the two different mating processes that brought bile to my throat, one similar to the human ritual, another that seemed more normal to me. Thanking her, I shut off the intercom, placing the rodent near the basin of water in my room and eying him as he hoisted his chubby body unto the wheel that dominated his cage, beginning his endless exercise of running aimlessly.


	5. Satan Claws

_ 'I will not don this ridiculous outfit.'_

I didn't have to sleep. Be it part of my genetic makeup, or the lack of a bed, I was seemingly able to run for hours on end without exhaustion. It was this that made Shepard maddeningly approach me, with a rather simple question.

'Will you be my impromptu Santa Claus?'  
'Satan Claws? As much as I would enjoy the rather heady implications of this nickname, I believe Javik suits me better.'  
'No, Santa Claus. You know, red suit, red cheeks, likes to laugh and bestow presents upon the good?'  
'What are you talking about?'

She realized her idiocy at approaching the Prothean when she pieced together the fact that I had no idea what Christmas was. She waved her hands animatedly as she began to explain the idea to me.

'There used to be a religion on Earth that talked about this holy baby being born on December 25th. It kind of adapted into Christmas as we know it now. It's a time where you give gifts to people you love, and spend time with them. Didn't you have a day like Christmas?'  
'No.' I stated rather bluntly, refusing to waste words.  
'You didn't have a day for just family?'  
'No.'

She shook her head, her eyes suddenly downcast, as if she wanted me to at least some sort of happiness in my past.

'There wasn't much time for celebrations when the threat of the reapers loomed over us.'

I felt bad suddenly, my cold words obviously cutting her, and she moved to leave.

'I just thought, to include you in...' Her sadness disconcerting, I interrupted her mid-speech.  
'However Shepard, in the spirit of _Christmas_, I would be happy to portray your... Satan Claws.'

She smiled, and tapped her chin thoughtfully.

'What would I have to do, Commander?'

'You just have to sneak onto the crew deck when everyone is asleep and arrange some presents under a tree, then leave. It's not too hard.'  
With a grumble, I agreed to her claims. Smiling, she bounced into the hall, producing a large sack, it's shape irregular, odd corners jutting out. The top was tied tightly.

'Just put these all under the large green tree in the middle of the crew desk. It's decorated with lights, so it's not like you can miss it. Just don't open any.'

Even though my curiosity wanted to see what was inside of the frivolously adorned packages, I nodded, refusing to disappoint the Commander who had been so kind to me.

The Commander nodded her gratitude, walking out the door and leaving me to wait patiently with nothing but the space hamster to distract me. After what seemed to be an eternity of waiting, I let my voice ring out.

'EDI, is everyone on this ship asleep?'  
'Yes, Javik.'  
'...tanks.''  
'You are welcome, Javik.'

This new concept of yu r welcum sparked my curiosity. But as to not let the commander down, I saved it for later.

Sneaking out of my quarters, I walked to the center of the crew deck. As the human had described, there was a tall green tree, decorated with lights that clung to the thick green needles in the middle of the the room. _How did I not see this set up? It just shows how much I actually come out of my quarters._ Bumbling forth in my haste, I almost knocked over the tree, and I mentally cursed myself. Opening the sack, I began stowing the gifts under the tree, taken aback by the sheer quantity. It seemed as though every crew member had taken the time to get the others even the smallest token of his or her appreciation.

Expect for me.

I immediately felt as if someone had punched me in the gut. The humans had not warned me of this tradition, and therefore I was unprepared. My gaze fell on the small kitchen.

I cracked my fingers, meandering towards it and beginning the process of baking, making a strange, likely spicy tasting course of both amino and dextro friendly foods, and the scent began to waft towards doors as the clock moved its hands towards 6._ Good thing baking still works the same as it did in my time_. Some of the emerging crew members deeply inhaled the scent as they walked out, other delving directly into the pile of presents, glee written across their faces. He was giving the occasional compliment on his cooking, something that made him raise an eyebrow. If there was one thing he wasn't, it was a good cook. Nevertheless, the crew seemed to enjoy the change of pace from the normally bland food of the Normandy, and it showed on their faces.  
The commander approached me. 'You did it! But... what compelled you to cook such a great meal?'

'Human, if you think this is good, you should have tried some of the food from great chefs of my time. I still shudder at the very thought of salarian liver.'

Even though Shepard looked mildly disgusted, she was still smiling. It was overall a happy day for everyone. Even with the Reaper threat at hand, it is still nice to have some down days, I guess. Eventually, she pointed a porcelain hand at a small pile of gifts left under the tree, and the Protheans attention wandered towards them.

'Javik, there's some things for you there, go take a look!'

Three presents, to be exact. One red, wrapped in a gaudy golden bow, the other in a blue box, silver bow slapped offhanded on the side, like a last-minute gesture. The third was simple, a small, black, rectangular case, revealing nothing. Presents for me? Walking towards the pile, I knelt down beside them.

Shepard nodded when I glanced at her, so I tried to open the first one. The golden bow presented the slightest challenge, but I ripped it off with my teeth, revealing the bottle of alcohol. From across the hall, James Vega nodded at me, and I vaguely remember the conversation I had had with him about alcohol being illegal on my homeworld. With a nod in his direction, he smiled at me.

The second was a easier to open, and when I glanced upon the gift, I had to stifle a rare laugh.  
The turian had gotten me a simple gun modification, a silencer that fitted unto the end of most guns. It was painted a vibrant pink, a pink cartoon animal holographed on it so that it moved with a constant motion, 3 ovals with strings hanging off of them following the creature around, painted in warm hues of yellow and blue. I almost choked on the laughter in my throat. _A gag gift? Nice one, Vakarian._

The last one, the small black rectangular box, was a mystery to me. As soon as I had touched the case, I could feel a sort of connection, a familiar hum that astonished me. What was in this box had a deep connection with me. I carefully opened it, as to not disturb anything the box was offering me. It was a big box for a small treat it seemed. The humans do seem to say that big things come in small packages. Lifting the top of the container with gentle hands, my interest peaked at the strange note attached to the top of the folds of paper. It read:

**Dear Javik,**  
**I realize this is isn't much. I thought this would be useful to you. I found this on Eden Prime right before we let you out of the stasis pod. I think it is another memory shard. It might contain memories of the Prothean colonies.**  
**Love, Shepard**

Thoughts flew through my mind. I was contemplating.

_Love? How did she obtain this shard? It seems like the other memory shard we had recovered before. Do I want to touch it? What will I see if I do?_

With hesitant fingers, I placed the lid back on the box, standing back up on my feet and carrying the three containers like they were glass. There was one thing I wanted to say to the Commander.

'Commander?'  
'It's Christmas, Javik. Call me Jane.'  
'Jane? Tank yu.'  
'You're welcome.'

There it was again, the strange reply he had received from EDI.

'...Tank yu for the um, gift. I appreciate it.'

In response, she produced a rather ridiculous red hat, trimmed with white, and draped it over his head, smiling.

'No problem, Santa.'  
I smiled and walked away quickly, feeling awkward and silly. Saying a quick thanks to Vega and Garrus, I sped off to my quarters. I sat the first two boxes on the shelf near the door, but placed the final box on the ledge next to my basin, careful not to allow it to fall into the clear depths. I sighed, and grabbed my gift from Garrus, applying it to my assault rifle. My mind still pondered about what could happen to myself if I touched this shard. I went to wash his hands and realized how different I had acted today.

I was getting strangely accustomed to these human customs.

* * *

AN/ Because Badu couldn't get the mental image of Javik in a Santa hat out of her head. The next few chapters might be kind of sad, but it ends up with a big party and happiness, so bear with us, lovely readers! Review and win one million proper endings?


	6. The Connection

**Chapter 6: The Connection**

* * *

Despite the protheans earlier remissions about synthetics, he understood why Shepard felt so emotionally attached to this one specifically. Legion. The name rolled off his tongue easily, even as the creature uploaded a code that would likely destroy fleet upon fleet of quarians.

Legion.

The robot stiffened in the process, the quarian cutting off her pleading as the robot turned to Shepard, her breath catching in her throat.

'Remote access impossible, must interact directly with interface.'  
'Shepard, you don't have to do this.' The quarian breathed out, and a slight wave of precognition washed over me.  
'I can't sentence a whole species to death because of one person, Tali.'

The quarians subtle sobs were heard through her mask, and the robot turned urgently towards the commander, pressing hands into her shoulders as the Commander realised what he had previously said to her.

'Legion, you don't mean-'  
'Yes Shepard-Commander. This unit must sacrifice themselves for the good of the fleet.'

The fear was tangent in his voice, and I felt the smallest dose of pity for the creature.

'Shepard-Commander, may I ask you something personal?' Legion's tone changed, something subtle, unrecognizable.

She nodded quickly, her face drawing.

'Shepard-Commander, does this unit have a soul?'

The commanders breath caught in her throat, water visibly welling up in her eyes, falling over her thick lashes and spilling down her face as she pulled the robot to her, burying her face in the meeting between his neck and shoulders.

'Yes, Legion. You have the most beautiful soul anyone could ever ask for.' Her hand rested momentarily on the side of his optics, her eyes still over-flowing with clear liquid as the robot nodded once, a series of whirrs sounding from him.

'Thank you... Jane.'

His eye flashed red once, briefly, and then, he suddenly fell. The commander caught him in her arms, water flowing in a constant current down her pale faces, unable to withhold her wails of distress. The quarian, however, was not staring at her weeping friend, but instead at the desolation that faced her. Screams resounded over the intercom, the wails of the dying, all melding into one melancholy hum that strummed me to my very bones, enticing a shiver out of me.

So much pain in this little galaxy.

As the commander was holding the now dead synthetic, I saw the quarian walk over towards the edge of the cliff, reach a hand towards her mask, her own sobs amplified by the loss of a barrier. She let out the lightest sigh, turning to face me, to face her Commander. Shepard had just turned around, her eyes widening as she witnessed her friends face for both the first and the last time.

Large, wide set eyes, a familiar violet, plump lips, a small, flat nose, series of tubes stretching subtly across the planes. So familiar, but so exotic all at once. I watched as the Commander's eyes flew over the quarians... Tali's features hungrily, memorizing the curves as she spread her arms, tipping backwards into the open air. Dropping the geth, she lunged for her friend, her hand narrowly missing as Tali fell down, down into the shallow water, the thin film not enough to shield our ears from the crack that resounded, the crack that pushed Shepard over her figurative edge. Curling into herself, the Commander began to sob. Desperate, heartbreaking noises that crept out of her trembling frame, the life deflating out of her and breaking her hold on reality. I crept up beside her, dropping down close to her, placing all of my weight on my toes, laying a light hand on her side and patiently waited as her sobs quieted to mere hiccups, silent tears now.

She lay there on the dirt, unable to move, and so with gentle hands I raised her myself, careful of her lesser frame, and did what felt instinctually right. Clutching her to me as she had with the synthetic, I patiently awaited her hiccups to die down, until she detached herself from me.

Her eyes were haunting, the once clear, light green blank, all light lost from them. She looked up at me through alien eyes once more, and I shuffled, uncomfortable.

She had just lost two friends, two comrades, two of her small, little family, plus the countless amounts of people before that. She had just shot a hole in herself that likely would never be filled. She silently crept back towards the corpse of the synthetic, hugging the metallic body like she was unwilling to let go, and I felt myself disconnect.

She needed the synthetic.

Mechanical whirs sounded out, a small squadron of Primes approaching their location. I planned to draw my gun, but in the current light, it didn't feel right. Instead, I approached them quickly, allowed a distance between him and Shepard to be established. The Primes stated their allegiance, but I only thought of one thing that I could ask of them.

'Can you re-establish the geth known as Legion?'  
'We are sorry, but that request is invalid.'

I sighed, pressing a button on my omni-tool and calling the shuttle pilot in, thanking the Primes and walking up behind the Commander, surprised to find her sobbing once more. She was caressing a piece of armor that covered his shoulder, the distinct N7 emblazoned across it, and suddenly, I understood. The robot had been much more to her then just a friend. He had been a connection.

She continued sobbing until they arrived, the cool air blasting towards her and whipping her hair out of her usual bun, the length toppling down her shoulders and brushing onto the face of the synthetic. She leaned down, kissing his optic once more, her pure white armor reflecting his silver sheen, and attempted to stand, water still pouring, as if she had an endless amount stored within her. She stumbled, and with lithe hands I picked her up, carrying her into the shuttle and buckling her, ignoring her cries of distress, motioning for the pilot to wait momentarily. Hoping that she wouldn't see me, I walked to the synthetic, quickly removing the opposite shoulder-guard from his frame, the one that wrote in simple letters, Legion. I walked into the shuttle. I had never seen the commander this distraught, her hair in a jumbled mess, her hands covering her face as she continually sobbed. With my lightest touch, I removed her current shoulder-guard, replacing it without her knowing, leaving her with the tiniest piece to fill the gap the robot had left.

It may not have filled the valley left inside of her, but I hoped it would build her a bridge.


End file.
